Here we go again, I used to wake up from my sleep, and it would keep my darkness at bay, or take the dog (he’s half bavarian hound, half labrador) a walk to clear my mind, and if those methods failed, I would resort to my faithful and unforgiving razors to carve at my skin, to feel the crimson red blood trickle down my thighs, that stingy feeling when you enter the shower/bath, that feeling when you get into bed at night and feel the sheets brush against it. That type of pain to remind me that even though I feel emotionally numb, and isolated, I’m still here.
I often ramble with these, though maybe this is my release, even though I do trust my goddess and she will never have an equal in that respect, somethings are just too dark for my princess to hear. She could easily handle it, but I’ll spare her the emotional trauma of my idiocy, she lives a stressful life of her own. She is as strong as she is beautiful, my perfect Emma.
Even with her guidance and love, I tend to fall off the cart, I cut myself to beat back the demon that eats at my sanity, now even this is failing and my thoughts are consumed…she recommends going to a doctor and we can work it out together, though I have no time for this long term solution, I guess she doesn’t understand the gravity of hopelessness.. I love you, my sweet angel. Though you will never read these grim entries, please do not give up on me.